Zendrix Berndt, “Homeless”

Homeless

To escape the beat made by her skull
Being bashed into drywall
Knuckles chalk white like fists were made out of plaster
And no matter how far I run I will always be a bastard
Faster and faster my heart beats in time
To escape the beat made by her skull
Being bashed into my chest
Chest sinks deep onto truth I can’t digest
Digest abuse that my throat has to confess
Confess relief every time the night has ended
And my tears lay suspended like oceans on my pillow
Blended oceans with my seabed~ salty remnants are all that follow
Salty remnants I cannot swallow for them
So I pick up my pen, and I write to say, “Mommy I love you”
And I write to say “Sister I love you”
And I write to say “Zendrix I love you~
And you cannot put them above you
Because to say that you’re happy would be untrue
And after all the shit you been put through
I think it’s time to start over
Tell the whole frickin’ world I won’t be a pushover
Tell my children about my mother even if they never get to know her
Because people are irreplaceable
Money is unreliable, Memories are unattainable, and Love is indefinable
But if your definition of love is a gun to her temple
Then I must escape
Escape the beat made by her mattress as we both screamed rape
Escape, Escape, Escape, Escape, Escape
And I spent that night slouched over the toilet round
Spitting up salty remnants of muscle relaxers and biblical verses I’d downed
Two at a time, two at a time, two at a time
But could not keep down
As my stomach was churning with that dull beating sound
Escape, Escape, Escape, Escape
But there is no escape without facing your fears
And there is no happy ending without drying your tears ~
Stop crying… After all of these years
In time my pillows will remain tearless
Because home is where the heart is
And since I where my heart on my sleeve
Sometimes I choose to go shirtless
Just to say
Yes, I can do this
Yes, I can change this
Yes, I can love this
And I will never be homeless
Again….

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